I’m pretty lucky in that I have a lot of family- not only do I have my Mum’s side and my Dad’s side… but I also have an amazing family from my Step Mum.
However… believe it or not, for pretty much every family occasion (other than one wedding and one christening many years ago) I am always “Single Shelly”.
I have certain uncles who always ask if I’m “courting” yet, and certain cousins who constantly try to match make me with their husband’s mates.
I feel like the day I finally take a guy to a family gathering, there will be constant bottles of champagne popping!
Last weekend we had family over from Huddersfield. I asked one of my cousin’s kids if she had a boyfriend yet – she’s nine years old. Before she could answer, her Dad piped up with “she’s never getting a boyfriend, are you?” her response to me was “no, I’m a single pringle like you”
So there I am, in a Single Pringle gang with a nine year old. Between us we decided it’s the best way to stay because boys are smelly.
Hearing her Dad say that to her however reminded me that my Dad has always had an “Application for Permission to Date My Daughter” so I asked him if he still had it- he obviously hasn’t had to use it for a very long time!
Not only did he send me the application… there are also rules that go along with it.
Some of my favourites are:
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
The full rules are available at: http://wilk4.com/humor/humorm119.htm
I’ve got a big family celebration next year in November. We are hiring a large house for 16 people… maybe I can finally make it 17 and have a plus one and get an actual room rather than the option of sleeping in with the kids or on one of the sofas…. you never know. November 2018 is my new goal…..!
Today’s “mental message” goes like this:
B****: ello gawjus looking far too sexy inn ya pics. i know i havnt got many pics up yet but am 6ft4 tall, brown hair, blue eyes n broad build, if ya got kik or whatts ap i can send ya pics through. am from liverpool meself but live oz been ere a few years now but am home for a few months and would love to meet up if thats possible. add me on kik so yeno am not a fat weirdo.
Yeah… I’m ok thanks. (do people still use kik??)
And the full application – should you need it is here: http://wilk4.com/humor/humorp3.htm
It Started With A Swipe 